According to a recently released Gallup poll, drinking in America hit a 25-year high in 2010 with 67% of Americans reporting that they had consumed alcoholic beverages. The other 33% were too drunk to properly answer the question.
Meghan McCain, daughter of 2008 presidential candidate (and loser) John McCain, recently posted on Twitter that, “Brooklyn in general is not a fun experience for me, because I look and act nothing like Zooey Deschanel.” @Brooklyn considered the comment and then corrected her, remarking that, “It’s actually might not a fun experience because you look and act everything like Meghan McCain.”
Last weekend, visitors at the Natchaug State Forest were surprised to find piles of mail in the woods while horseback riding. The U.S. Postal Inspection Service is currently investigating how the mail ended up in the forest, while the North Pole Inspection Service is interrogating wayward delivery elves as to why they put it there.
A report released yesterday by the United States Census Bureau revealed that the percentage of people who changed residences between 2010 and 2011 was only 11.6 percent, the lowest it’s been since the bureau began tracking the data in 1948. The information inspired modern-day historians to officially label this tumultuous era as “The Great Staycation.”
The airline Ryanair recently announced that downloadable porn might soon be available on their flights. In order to prepare, sex toy companies have begun selling vibrators and cock rings that can be switched to ‘Airplane Mode’ as passengers attempt to join the mile-high club by themselves.
Journalist David McRaney explains in his new book, You Are Not So Smart, that it is biologically impossible to maintain intimate relationships with more than 150 people at a time. McRaney also suggests that more socially-challenged people can resort to Twitter to maintain only 140 characters at a time.
A professor from the University of Oklahoma was suspended without pay after it was revealed that he was allegedly using his students as test subjects for various secret research projects. Though the university is understandably upset over the professor’s unethical practices, the students themselves are even more so, as they are now unable to officially add “human guinea pig” to their professional resumes.
According to The Wall Street Journal, home builders are becoming more and more reluctant to build the once-ubiquitous “McMansions” due to the troubling economic times. In lieu of the garish suburban households, American consumers are instead focusing their attention on the reliable McRib.
A 20-year-old girl is suing teen idol Justin Bieber for paternity and financial support after revealing that she believes her three-month-old son to be his child. The girl alledges that Bieber lost his virginity to her after his Los Angeles concert last October, and that he didn’t wear a condom for the sex that lasted “approximately” 30 seconds. Coincidentally, Bieber’s first time also marks the first time ever in which 30 seconds of sex has miraculously turned into both a baby AND 15 minutes of fame.
Apostle Claver T. Kamau-Imani, the chairman of a conservative organization geared toward fellow African Americans, is promoting the Republican party to the black community with billboards across various states that proclaim, “G.O.P. is the New Black.” Insiders for Republican presidential hopeful Herman Cain said that Kamau-Imani’s campaign has inspired him, and that he plans to revise his infamous 9-9-9 plan to better suit the African American community by offering every black voter Three Acres and an Elephant.